WWE house show report 4-21 Cardiff, Wales
By Matt Jones
Lots and lots and lots of kids, all wearing AWA style John Cena shirts. Somewhere, Dale Gagne is grinding his teeth to powder in an impotent rage.
This was going on at the same time as SmackDown was being taped in London, which probably accounts for some of the wackier stuff, as you'll read.
Cryme Time beat Mike Knox and Charlie Haas when Shad Gaspard pinned Haas after an STO. No impersonations from Haas - he was a generic cowardly heel here, posing, refusing to lock up, hiding behind his large tag partner, and so on. He got absolutely no reaction coming out. Cryme Time were over. Shockingly decent tag match - JTG's actually very good, especially while desperately trying to make the tag after being beaten for ages. Knox, after doing various things to get over how big and immovable he is, took a Scorpio/Rikishi style somersault bump off Shad's hot tag clothesline, which was impressive. JTG at some point hit Tanahashi's Sling Blade, while Shad Gaspard went all Naoya Ogawa with an STO. PURO RUSH.
The Miz beat Kofi Kingston with the Reality Check. Miz cut a promo referencing his JOY at being on Raw. People booed. He compared himself going to Raw, the top brand, with if he had left Cardiff City (local football club) to play for the far superior Jack Army (Swansea City, hated rivals). People booed more. This was funny. The match, however, was not. Not much happened, Miz got generic heat, Kofi made a comeback that wasn't so much a controlled frenzy as a half arsed piece of gooseberry fool that can strawberry float off. blah blah blah reality check pinfall I hate you both.
John Morrison beat Goldust by countering a figure four with a small package. Goldust got no reaction. Which is a shame, because he was awesome. You see, he decided to do all Ric Flair's spots for no apparent reason. Eye pokes, low blows, chops, running kneedrop (with wacky forward roll), Flair flop, beg-off into eye poke, HUGE backdrop which he took on his side, slam off the top rope. This happened, and was absolutely GLORIOUS. Morrison made a comeback with the TERRY FUNK JABS. This was so fun. I'm not sure how many of the kids got what Goldust was doing, although there were WOOs for the chops. After nowhere near long enough, Morrison countered a second figure four attempt (yes) with a small package for the win. Morrison left, and Goldust was standing in the ring looking around at fans, and I wished it was Mexico and I could run down to ringside and throw money at him for being wildly entertaining. He had to settle for a small round of applause and my undying yet almost certainly unrequited non-sexual love. I hope a rumour gets started among Cardiffian children that Goldust is actually Ric Flair under the paint. I'll certainly be hanging around schools to make that happen. Wait, no, bad idea. Let's move on.
Divas Tag - Kelly Kelly and Melina beat Beth Phoenix (w Rosa Mendes) and Layla somehow. It might not have been Layla, mind you, because the acoustics were terrible, I'm half-deaf, and this company famously has a lot of interchangable women that nobody cares about. She had frizzy brown hair and was rotten, that ring a bell? Beth Phoenix, by the way, was also cocksuckingly awful. She took a satellite headscissors from Kelly and bumped about five seconds later than she should have, causing many small children to say 'What happened?' to their drooling fathers. Rosa Mendes jumped on the apron to distract Melina, Beth came up behind her, span her round and knocked her down, which would have been fair enough if it hadn't been in super slow motion. I mean, this woman tonight was offensively bad. Is it just her and Melina being terrible when on opposite sides or something? Worthless, worthless bout. Boo. BOOOOOO. Sack them all and give all their paycheques to Goldust so he can randomly do other wrestlers' gooseberry fool on undercards of house shows til he's 70 and doing Abdullah spots. Actually, keep Kelly so she can do a flip while pissing in a sink when the WWE changes direction towards the 'disgusting fetish' market.
The Honey Monster came out to shill breakfast cereal. He was wearing wrestling attire, did a pre-insanity Larry Sweeney strut down the aisle, SHOOK DEM ROPES, and cut a promo about feeding fun. He also laughed like Val Venis. This was like a drug trip that I had while watching a movie that was about a drug trip. I'm waiting for TNA's next UK tour, during which it is almost certain Tony the Tiger will beat Mick Foley to win the World Title. And Mick won't even be the champion at the time.
Intercontinental Title - Rey Mysterio beat William Regal with the 619 into a springboard splash. Regal beat up Rey for ages while resolutely refusing to deal with any of the flippy stuff, dumping Rey on the floor whenever he tried any. Regal was hated, because he's English and was up against REY MYSTERIO. Regal constantly went for countout wins, which made no sense because you can't win a title on a countout and yes I'm the only person in that arena and possibly the world who could possibly care about this kind of thing. Deep breath. Regal hit the world's highest EXPLODER SUPLEX on Rey, who proceeded to DIE, and many children had TEARS in their EYES and it was GREAT. Rey fought back and won, in a pretty great match all things considered.
John Cena beat Chris Jericho to retain the WWE Title. Remember Raw's main event this past week? This was that match, stretched out to the best part of thirty minutes, with additional nearfalls, submission trading, some wacky counters, and a clean FU finish. This was GREAT. Great to the point that I thought I was going to see a title change at a house show in front of 3500 people in a small city. Jericho got the Walls, Cena almost got to the ropes, Jericho dragged him to the centre of the ring and leaned back for all he was worth, and PRO WRESTLING DONE BY PROPER PRO WRESTLERS IS WONDERFUL. They did the electric chair spot from Raw, kids went MENTAL for the STF almost certainly because they love Masa Chono, an FU got kicked out of because Cena was too shattered to make the immediate cover. They were trading punches and neither man was falling and people were shouting STAY UP CENA. Everyone was living or dying depending on whether Cena won this punching battle. It was just great. Cena won after, with a second FU.
I thoroughly enjoyed this second string house show event. This is what happens when you go to house shows when all the important people are dealing with TV tapings. Everyone was clearly told 'you have x amount of time, x is going over, go do stuff', so you got to see some good wrestling, as well as some people trying and failing to do good wrestling. Like Kofi Kingston.