Thanks Huw, good of you to say. And apologies, I only check the forum irregularly nowadays and missed that post completely. Anyway, time for more self-indulgence:
There's a much longer story to this but one that is
definitely my fault, though, is that I had to cut contact with a now ex-partner last night, and only realised halfway through a conversation that it was the right call to make. We dated for about eight months, she wanted to be friends after the fact and stay in contact, I want more than that. I tried to do it her way for a few weeks and thought the distance would help me move on (she lives in America), but when we stopped being as close as we were and messaging every day I tried to have a conversation about it. This only made things into a giant mess, and I think really hurt her because I just message without thinking when I actually need to stop, consider how I word things and explain myself properly. I also think while I talk, and that just leads to a hurricane of a conversation for the other person. I feel terrible.
Long story short I kind of came to the realisation halfway through that conversation that I've been in denial since the turn of the year really - she does not and will not ever feel the same way as I do about her - and therefore needed to step back. I also stupidly implied that I regret the whole thing (which I do at the moment, but strawberry floating hell Cora rule 1 of break-ups is that you don't tell the other person that). We'd been trying long-distance for six months before she came over for nearly a month in November and it didn't quite work out, she didn't feel what she thought she did and just couldn't get herself into the relationship headspace. I think she took one look at me with all my worries and insecurities and was like "strawberry float that," which I can't really blame anyone for.
We left it last night at her asking me to get back in touch when I feel like I can, but actually I don't see how that'll ever be healthy. It's the right call for both of us, and I know that, but Christ almighty I hate it - it's taking all my willpower not to send grovelling apologies and beg for us to just be friends.
This particular hit feels worse than most of the others combined, because I'd only just really recovered from the divorce when we met and I really thought this relationship had a chance - she's lovely, cares deeply for the people around her, and is a lot of fun to be around. I loved talking to her, and we had such a great time when things were clicking. And then, I guess, they didn't click for her anymore.
My life is a bit of a mess, really, and I have no idea how to make it better. But hey, I have a nice tattoo now, no nails through it or anything.