If you're terrified of getting slotted in Call of Duty: Black Ops, Modern Warfare 2, Battlefield 1943, Halo: Reach or Battlefield: Bad Company, you might want to give Toby Smiths a call. For the low, low price of five English pounds, he'll be your online bodyguard. Insane cultural milestone: reached.

"I will be your personal online bodyguard for 30 minutes in any of the following shooters on Xbox 360: Call of Duty 4, Call of Duty Black Ops, Halo Reach, Battlefield 1943 and Battlefield Bad Company 2," reads the relevant posting on Fivesquids. Thanks, Neil.


"I will be by your side the entire time and will fight for you, keeping enemies away from you, protecting you when you snipe, even SACRIFICING MY LIFE to save yours."

We suppose it's no more unreasonable than buying MMO currency. Or using an umbrella to shield yourself against negative thoughts.

Cash-strapped Duty-callers will be relieved to know that the 30 minute period doesn't include matchmaking delays. "This is 1/2 hour of GAME TIME, meaning time taken to join a game won't be included." The mark of a true professional. But what about expenses, Toby? We're not paying for your map packs.

Guy probably decided not to show up because he heard Taffy was a Cow-exploding fantasist mentalist.