This is the 10th time I've tried to reply to this (more if you count figuring out a response in my head) so I don't sound rambling or incoherent or confrontational or whatever. I've decided to just get the words down in whatever form they take and hope you all don't hate me
I know what my wife has done is wrong and I know she bears responsibility in this. I'm angry about what has happened but except for a couple of specific things I just can't get angry with her. Believe me I've tried, I've tried to be angry at her, tried to hate her, I can't. I don't know why, I just can't. But just because I can't it doesn't mean I absolve her of any responsibility in this.
That said, I've always been of the mind that the other party in a situation like this (male or female) takes some of the responsibility. I'm not saying that from some misty moral high ground in the clouds. I've been close to being "that guy". This isn't a case of some single guy coming on to my wife and things just happening. This was a long term manipulation and game for him that I've seen before. I call it the "Lee" after an ex-friend of mine used the same trick time and again. He would only ever target girls/women in relationships. Move in as the friend, the sympathetic ear, the guy they could talk to. And then the undermining would start. And this is what I'm angry about and why I hate him. In the facebook messages I'd read there was exactly the same MO, undermining, criticising, backing off when he thought he'd gone to far, pushing the edge when he thought he could get away with it. So yeah, while my wife made her decisions and obviously has responsibility in this, I can't absolve him of blame and put it down to him being a single bloke particularly when he's a self-confessed arsehole.
Maybe my emotions are the wrong way round maybe I will get angry with her but I can't see me not being angry with me.
A few points for clarity:
When I say I defend her, I'm not saying what she did was ok, I'm trying to figure out what happened and there is some self blame going on. She has been the first to tell me I'm in know way to blame and this is all on her.
Even after everything I'm going to maintain she is not a bad person. She is taking ownership of it. She's being honest in saying that she doesn't think we'll get back together and she is genuinely heartbroken that she's done this to me. Yeah, yeah, that probably makes me a soft touch but I do know her and know in this she's telling the truth.
Cutting off contact is something we have pretty much done now. She's even done the hard things that I couldn't bring myself to like cutting ties on facebook (strangely it's the small things that I've found most difficult rather than splitting money from the bank etc). All I have is her phone number and that is just so we can sort out the divorce.
I don't think she's happy that I'm pining after her, I think she wants me to be able to move on, be happy and find someone else (I'm doubtful the last one will happen).
Ramble over and I'm sure I missed some things but I just typed it as it came into my head